The Mean Girl Epidemic Ignores the Separation of Gender
Welcome to the jungle, boys!
The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives is back for Season 2 on Hulu. Last year, I covered the Season 1 premiere and expanded on the red flag behavior I saw in the show, particularly a culture of sexism that stemmed from traditional religious practices.
This season, I’m addressing a new red flag: “mean girl behavior”, also known as relational aggression.
Although men might believe they’re immune to the rise and fall of the Queen Bee status, relational aggression is as much a part of their world as it is for those with ovaries. But flying under the radar won’t cut it anymore. It’s time to learn how the empire works.
“Em-Powering Women”
For a little background, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives focuses on a friend group of loosely “traditional” Mormon wives who rose to fame through TikTok, branding their lifestyle videos as #MOMTOK. As with most female relationships, you can guess there was some drama. Friendships were strained this season, a minor pivot compared to last season which focused more on their issues with the rigid expectations of their husbands, boyfriends, and families.
#MOMTOK prides itself on its ability to “empower women.” And the irony makes for good television. Hulu did its job in delivering an entertaining season of ridiculous jaw-on-the-floor drama.
“I need a 24/7 live stream injected into my veins,” was a review I came across during my research. Same, but I do have a rule I must follow to justify rotting my brain with this kind of television. I must find a hidden meaning or lesson to make it worthwhile, so I treat it like a social experiment in navigating conflict. A “how-to” in conflict resolution that might arise. However, I doubt I will be throwing red wine across the dinner table at my friends anytime soon. But you never know!
As a brand, #MOMTOK stands for women's empowerment. They feel they are giving voice to a new generation of traditionally Mormon women. But oppressing other women isn’t empowerment. It’s barely entertainment if we stretch it.
Most of all, it’s a power play.
These are the same power dynamics found in our everyday lives. Social media is a great example. Politics is an even better one. Everything is drama, and it's all about gaining power in our social circles.
This season, fan-favorite Demi fell from her high and mighty pedestal where she championed “women’s empowerment” and “standing up to bullies” only to become this season’s…well, bully.
She was labeled a mean girl—a term that has us flashing back to high school and cringing at the emotional torture that was navigating friendships with an undeveloped frontal lobe.
But for Demi, the only thing that changed from Season 1 to Season 2 was her social status. She rose in “station” after dynamics shifted in the group once she was crowned a fan-favorite in Season 1 for standing up to another mean girl. In Season 1, she was a champion of women. And in Season 2, she was the top dog, meaning many of the other girls were too scared to check her power.
But Demi was after control the entire time. Nothing changed except for her status. Her personality, her friendship tactics, her confidence—none of that changed. It was popularity with viewers like me that changed her circumstances. We created her empire.
But empires fall.
Look, editing is everything. Some of these women are painted in an angelic light, some in a demonic one. That’s television for you. There’s a limit to its truth. However, the social structure is what becomes a copy-and-paste template for most modern-day friendships, workplace situations, politics, and social media presences.
This week’s Slightly Sour is a lesson in warfare. Welcome to the jungle.
The Science of the Mean Girl
Relational aggression is the preferred term in a scientific context. It is defined as “a form of aggression where harm is caused through damaging relationships or social status within a group, rather than through physical violence.”
Psychological theories suggest that women are taught to express most emotions well at a young age. Except for anger, which they are encouraged to suppress to fit social standards. Women are expected to be calm, cool, and collected. No outburst, no scene, no physical violence.
This bottled-up anger has to come out somehow and it is masked as manipulation and gossip. Accusations and rumors funnel through the hypothetical telephone through a battle of wits and whispers.
Another theory states that relational aggression stems from a lack of validation and control. Simply put: What’s going on at home? Unstable homes and the absence of emotional safety lead to lashing out. They learn that power is the ultimate form of validation. Soon, pitting friends against one another, and purposefully excluding others becomes a valuable type of social currency. A Queen Bee feels they can rise from the ashes of a broken home or a broken heart.
No One is Immune to the Hierarchy of the Queen Bee Empire
Workplaces. Social Media. Politics. Beer-league Sand Volleyball.
These spheres follow a social hierarchy, meaning there are classes separated into who has the most social currency. A person at the top of the pyramid is our Queen Bee, and the people at the bottom are the most susceptible to the choices and actions of the Queen Bee. In the middle, we have more comfort and more leeway in the eyes of Queen Bee, but still, loyalty is expected. These are the enforcers, the ones too scared to stand up to those at the top. Many are satisfied with this station and will do anything to not end up at the bottom.
This is all very Machiavellian. The hierarchy is run through fear and a “take what you can get” mentality.
Historically, women have never possessed as much social currency as men unless it was in female-centric social spheres. Women were taught to bottle up that anger. Force a smile and let mental warfare do the trick.
On the other hand, men were taught not to express any soft emotion. Anger was allowed. As we balance the scales with social justice, society’s expectations of men have shifted. Men are more encouraged to express their softer emotions. But whoops, now we don’t want to see that anger.
Men have lost a bit of their social currency. It’s anyone’s game. Insert men into the Queen Bee empire. If you’re not on top, you’re getting walked over.
Men and women lack the tools to deal with the complex emotion of anger. We are all scrambling for control, validation, and social currency.
If anyone listens to podcasts, you’ve probably heard of Andrew Tate, an American-British podcaster who spins a rather aggressive and misogynistic view of the world. Buzzwords such as “incel” and the “male loneliness epidemic” have been making their way around the social hive thanks to his content. Tate has branded his anger into a limelight business model. It’s a way to achieve social currency, and he’s done it.
Andrew Tate achieved the Regina George effect (hehe, I had to include at least one Mean Girls reference). His followers? Impressionable young men as young as fifth graders. Learning how to express their anger with Andrew Tate as their role model.
These are the dangers of the Queen Bee empire. Whoever is on top has an influence most of us do not. And as dear Spider-Man’s Uncle Ben once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”
So be careful with who we put on top.
A Whole New World
The bad news is we’d probably have to deconstruct social hierarchies to fix the core issue. Rebuild them from scratch only to have a new version of it sprout for the wreckage. This, as bleak as it sounds, is how our world works.
Social media has increased our exposure to what happens outside the four walls of our homes. Depression is on the rise. With a world of information at our fingertips, developing healthy coping mechanisms for stress and avenues of emotional expression are necessary in a world of connection.
But I will share the light at the end of the tunnel because as I concluded my research, I came across this post from Reddit:
I didn’t want to continue out of fear of where this could lead. I often expect the worst from people. However, many sympathized with the person who posted this. Many posted their experiences with mean girls. Best of all, many did their best to support the notion that being a good person is far more valuable than a leg-up in life.
While our superficial world reeks of tacky power moves and the societal pressure to garner followers through fear tactics, many of us still believe being a good person is better than being a powerful one.
Humanity made me smile this week.
So, forget the ovaries. Forget the “you versus me”. We’re all mean girls until we choose not to be.